Monday
Jan162017

Jesus Toast

 

 

It has come to my attention that miraculous Jesus toast (toast bearing the likeness of Christ) is difficult to come by.  I am happy to report that for those seeking less authentic relics, alternatives exist!  With my daughter we tried three methods to make Jesus toast for her dollies' teaparty.

Method 1:  Foil negative.  We wrapped the toast in foil and then carefully placed wide cuts in the foil where we wanted lines and features to appear.  To avoid death by electrocution, we toasted in the oven - not the toaster.  Then we removed the foil and provided a second toasting in the oven.

A fair blotchy likeness resulted, but none of the fed dollies sprung to life so I conclude the toast was not divine.

Method 2:  50% Sugar water solution.  Heat mix till disolved, cool.   Paint invisible image on bread, dry bread.  Provide bread in a clandestine manner for toasting by anyone desirous of the inexplicable in an ordinary toaster.  My hope was that the sugar would increase browning.  Unfortunately, even after an hour of drying the residual moisture inhibits browning.  This Jesus toast had fine definiton and obvious lines, but even though one side said "Hi Jesus" nobody in our household seemed genuinely baffled by this astounding phenomenia.  Or reluctant to eat the evidence.  And the dollies at the tea party didn't spontaniously spring to life.  The sweetener taste was so subtle as to be hard to detect.

Method 3:  Paint bread with water and imediately toast.  This creates clear white lines, but there were places on the resulting bread that were clearly were damp boardering on mushy and obviously doctored.  For added realism we used holy water and the dollies at the tea party all jerked to life, shuffling toward us thrumming in cycles like the holy chords of heaven were detuned by 60 hertz electric fuzz and a guitar flanger. 

Um... no not actually.

But if you do want to serve Jesus toast at your next tea party, I recommend Method 2 sugar water  as a great activity for your next family get together: paint and dry a whole loaf of bread, return to original packing.  And serve to an unsuspecting grandmother.  Chances are, she won't even notice as she takes a bite off Jesus's chin.

Oh, and if you do make Jesus toast, please say a prayer for my grandmother Myrtle - dead at age 107.  If her spirit still lingers here, she'd appreicate that kind of thing.

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