Friday
Feb012019

If Programming Languages Could Make Pets...

In the low level programming language Assembly, you can't have a cat because you are not a team of developers working for years together to program a cat by combined effort, and since the computer hardware improves so much yearly there almost isn't a point in this kind of specialization.  Instead you can have a floating disembodied living cat head, and it's name is speedy.   If you are willing to comprimise, you can attach that head to device drivers written in C and have a terrifying robot cat with tank tread instead of feet and a peak bite force of 3 tons.  

In the programming language Python, you can't have a cat. The good news is that python makes it easy to have a sloth that does everything a cat could do and more, just slowly.  Maybe with numba you can hit triple x speed and own a furry turtle named py-cat with nearly the blazing speed of a happy go lucky skunk.  You don't need to worry about feeding your pet or cleaning up after it, because python comes with a garbage man and he's so busy taking care of all that stuff, all the time, there are few CPU cycles left for your py-cat to be a cat which is why you have a fur turtle.  Infact, the reason your py-cat is so frick'n awesome is because the garbage man was programmed long before you ever set out to program a cat, so just be patient, accept garbageman and love py-cat.

In the programming language C (or oddballs C++ D and Obj C), you can build, link and include a cat in your life.  If you fail to clean the litter box, the cat will die, somewhere in the walls, and smell really bad for days while you try to find the bug riddled corpse.  If two different programmers work together to create your cat, any randomly selected third programmer should be able to inject code, and as such, if you do not feed your cat, hackers will teach your cat to trade all your valuables for canned sardines.   Your cat loves laser pointers.  From the outside, your cat is the envy of most progammers, even if they won't admit it.  On the inside, your c-cat is a complete psychopath if programmed by one person (really darling, violent aggression _is just what cats do) and a complete schizophrenic psychopath if programmed by a team.  Either way, more deranged than you might ever know. 

In the programming language Java, you can be owned by a unusually hungry fat cat.  The cat likes it when you type mostly boilerplate code over and over again.  The cat will do what it wants, and you should do your best to take care of every imaginable possibility so that java cat can always do what it wants and always stays clean and fed.  Should you fail, java cat will plot your downfall the next time you come home with a bag of groceries.  Not to fear, you can tap out even more code for your cat to prevent a java-cat induced death (if not avoid repetive motion disorders), and thanks to java cat npm libraries, you will find millions of bloat inducing features to add to your java cat like "hairball0.2.0!"  Java cat is flexible and may ditch your sorry ass for a different CPU and programmer, because, like most cats, java cat doesn't really love you back.    

In the programming language JS (JavaScript), you can only program the front end of a cat.  What is the rear end of the cat up to?  Guess.  But JS Cat does have a banner ad blinking 'Click me' running between its ears that generates a fraction of a cent for each unique viewer impression. 

In the programming language Rust, you can't own a cat unless you have catfood, a litterbox, kittylitter, a cat crate and shelter.   Organized?  If yes, then you can borrow a cat.  Your new-fangled rust cat will be immortal, loyal, loving and carefree once programmed unless (1) Rust cat runs out of food, kitty litter or shelter or might possibly make any kind of mistake (2) More than one person adopts rust cat as their own.  Should either exception occur, the rust cat's borrow lifetime will instantly end and kitty will crumble into cold dustless soot ruining the nearest carpet.  And you'll need to get a new cat.  This unfortunate situation can ?theoretically? be mitigated by the use of unsafe rust code that links rust cat to dozens of useful psycho C-cat libraries with hidden undefined behaviors. 

In the programming language Ruby you can have an sleepy cat riding a model train around a christmas tree in a tissue-box-car.    You don't have to feed or clean up after the cat, Ruby will do that for you. Your sleepy fat ruby cat-turtle-train loves riding on rails, and doesn't really act that much like a cat.  But that's ok, because it is adorable.  Yes it is.  

If you program in PHP, you have inadvertantly spit on hundreds of people while saying PHP and shouldn't be allowed to own a cat.  I'm not certain PHP cats exist, but PHP is the sound a unhappy cat's bowels make so maybe you should check your cat's rear Zend for a Synfony of Laravel?    Something about a PHP disgusts me, even CakePHP has a disturbing fettish edge to the sound of it that I don't really want to consider.      

Rumors abound of a perl cat living in a tibetian monestary that can 'meow' in just a single character.  But in reality, in the programming language Perl, you can't have a cat, mostly because the people at the pet store don't understand your perl coding style.  But you think you understand it all just fine, and that is part of what makes perl so frustrating.   Maybe if you could just figure out how to enter the store, copy a cat and exit in less than 30 characters with something like ' printf+qw(printf+qw(%s)x2)x2 ' everything would be fine?

In the computer programming language GO, you can have a fur mat but nearly everyone will claim it's a beautiful persian cat and not at all slow and dopey looking for a splunched in nose and sticky crossed eyes.  Your fur mat won't make many mistakes (outside of the algebraic types), and you won't have to clean up after it.  Your fur mat multitasks, you can use it to dust your floors, buff your car and wipe mud off your shoes.   I advocate use of fishing line to animate the fur mat's tail swishing angriy when I tell you GO seems much like poetic python - but the garbage man's arm has been chopped up and zombie reanimated and inserted so it hangs out of fur mat go cat's asterisk.  Lucky thing too, that zombie dangler provide the near constant grooming care required by persians, without the overhead of a complete garbage man, so persian fur mat go cat is a win.  

In the programming language R, you can not want or imagine a cat.  Random feline keyboard data entry via transversal, never!  What the F(x) do cats have to do with statistics or data?    The built in cat function has nothing to do with cats.  No further explaination given.

In programming Matlab you'll find a handy cat() command already exists.  It concatenates arrays, or stitchesxtreemen

In the programming language Mathematica, you can image a perfect cat in just a hundred lines of code.  If you do happen to have a supercomputer cluster at your disposal, you will be impressed by imaginary math cat.  But you can't have a real math cat, because the whole point of programming in mathematica was rapid prototyping before porting function by function to nearly any other language that doesn't have onerous per user and per cpu core licensing purchase restrictions.    

In the programming language Swift (till it's not), you can have a c like cat that unexpectly turns into a slow fur turtle and then back into a cat.  These infrequent lycanthropic transformations are not troubling unless your swift cat needs hardware or systems level access to do things like move, eye blink, purr, digest a meal or steer an autonomous vechicle to '1 Infinite Loop Cupertino' in a reliable fashion without causing a plethora of explainable vechicular deaths unless you resort to programming large portions of said autopilot in the antique botique Objective C language and crank out a "more schizo psycho program than anyone really wants driving" frankenstien objective c swift cat autopilot combo.  And each stutter brings just a wiff of the brain eating garbageman undead... hmm... maybe there is some combination of compiler flags that corrects that in the comments section of the official suport/manuals website that would be uselessly opaque but for helpful community annotations?  Despite small timing glitches and just a touch of memory messyness, your swift cat tries hard to stay safe and frequently can be found hiding under the bed. You might love your cat, but your cat likes to spray, and your development enviroment kinda reeks.  But it's ok if you've gotten so use to the stench and can't smell it anymore yourself.   Swift cat is like that.

If your programming language starts with the word Visual, it is probably part of the reason Microsoft completely lost its way with the rise of mobile devices.  And probably part of the reason never-a-good-idea things like "Flash Player Cat" actually exist.  However, if you desire a cat that only runs on desktops and a down right luxurious development enviroment, doubtless your language choice has plenty to offer.  And just be sure to download a few gigabytes of visual C++ redistributable run time DLL patches before distributing visualcat.exe. 

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